Comedian | Professor | Writer
(& Smartest) Arab
In 2010, Bill O’Reilly told us, “There’s no question that there is a Muslim problem in the world.” As a peaceful, loving person, I believe a tender embrace could change his mind.
In all fairness, O’Reilly is not that unique among his coworkers.
Over the past many years, Fox News has been at the forefront of the smear campaign against Muslims. The company has spent time labeling Barack Obama as a former Muslim, a secret Muslim, and a foreign Muslim. Being a Muslim of any kind is not okay over there.
Herman Cain, the 2012 Republican presidential candidate, famously said that he would not appoint any Muslims judges or cabinet members if elected president. After suspending his campaign and dropping out of the race, Fox News hired him a contributor. Making sweeping, bigoted comments against Muslims might make you a tough hire for most jobs. At Fox, on the other hand, it lights up your resumé.
Eric Bolling, another Fox News host, told us in 2012 that President Obama “answers to the Quran first and to the Constitution second.”
Dick Morris, a former contributor, once said that the Park 51 Islamic Community Center near Ground Zero was planning to “train the same kind of terrorists” that attacked the U.S. on 9/11. He also warned that the building would be a “command center for terrorism.” Bill O’Reilly said the building would contain “condos for Al Qaeda.”
Of course, it goes without saying that just about everything spoken about Muslims on Fox News is false or purposely misleading. But the scariest thing is how ignorant all the hosts and contributors are. It seems that the only stuff the people working at Fox News know about Muslims is what they’re learning about Muslims on Fox News.
After Barack Obama secured the release of American solider Bowe Bergdahl, the people at Fox News didn’t really know what to do. I mean, how could they trash Obama for bringing home an American prisoner of the Taliban, even if the president is a secret, former, foreign Muslim. They actually should have been thankful that our president’s middle name is Hussein. That’s probably why the Taliban negotiated with him. Having a Muslim president can have its perks.
Nonetheless, the Fox News people were at a loss for words. But then, President Obama took to the Rose Garden with Bowe’s parents, including his father, who was donning a long, flowing beard. Bill O’Reilly’s prayers were answered. Maybe Jesus does watch Fox News. O’Reilly quickly took to the airwaves and said that Bowe’s father Robert “looks like a Muslim.” After receiving some criticism, the next night he expounded and articulately told us, “The reason I said that Robert Bergdahl looks like a Muslim is because he looks like a Muslim.” Now, although he never specifically said as much, O’Reilly’s tone kind of made it sound like being a Muslim was not a good thing.
Furthermore, as far as we know, his father didn’t convert to Islam. And neither did the former prisoner. I mean, it’s not like he changed his name to Bowe Abu Bergdahl.
I truly believe that Bill O’Reilly and his friends at Fox News just need more exposure to our loving ways. So, if you’re a Muslim and you come across Bill O’Reilly, please stop, smile, stretch out your arms, and give him a big Muslim hug. For the Muslim women out there, I know that it might be against sharia law to hug a man you’re not related to. But in this case, you can consider it charity. Bill needs it. It could change his life.
And if you’re a Muslim man, bring Bill in for a nice, close, firm embrace. But let’s avoid the whole male cheek-kissing thing. He’s not ready for that yet. Oh, and if you do have facial hair, rub your cheek up against his a little bit. Show him that a beard, even when it’s on an actual Muslim, actually isn’t all that bad.