Comedian | Professor | Writer
(& Smartest) Arab
We’ve all heard of the comedian Jeff Foxworthy and his famous “You might be a redneck” jokes. If you haven’t, I encourage you to look them up, because they are hilarious. Inspired by him, I have decided to create a “You might be an Arab” series of my own. Here are 10 ways in which you may be an Arab and not even realize it.
1. If you have more hair on your body than you have on your head… you might be an Arab
This is the beautiful Arab double whammy. Not only are we men (and some women) covered in hair, but the more we grow on our bodies, the more we lose on our heads. And they both seem to happen simultaneously. By age 50, we’re normally cue balls on top wearing a permanent sweater.
2. If you say “ehhhhh” before every sentence… you might be an Arab
Next time someone asks you a question, try to notice the first thing that comes out of your mouth. If you say “ehhhhhhh” while you are trying to think, then you definitely possess some Arab qualities.
3. If your mother’s weapon of choice is a shoe… you might be an Arab
We’ve all been there. You’re arguing with your mother and you go a bit too far. Next thing you know, a shoe is flying across the room and smacks you square in the face. Your first thought is “wow, that hurt,” but your secondary thought is “My mom should be an NFL quarterback.”
4. If your cookie boxes are full of items that aren’t cookies… you might be an Arab
In your house, cookie boxes are used for EVERYTHING. You’ll find sewing equipment, frozen vegetables, spices and just about anything else that isn’t cookies in the boxes with pictures of delicious cookies on them.
5. If you curse at yourself when you are mad at someone else… you might be an Arab
If you’re a father yelling at your son, what’s the first thing you mutter when you start getting mad? Does it sound something like “Yelaan abouk! (Damn your father)!” Arabs are notorious for cursing at themselves, so watch what you say the next time you get angry, and you might just be an Arab.
6. If talking politics turns into physical violence… you might be an Arab
Arabs love talking politics, as long as no one disagrees with them. The rule when Arabs talk politics is that everyone agrees. If they don’t, then expect chairs, tables or any other furniture to be raised up and thrown.
7. If you hear Arabic music and your first reaction is to “twist the lightbulbs” (as evidenced by Amer Zahr’s “Dance Like an Arab“)… you might be an Arab
The beats are too awesome to sit still through. And “twisting the lightbulbs” is the go-to Arab dance move. If “El Tannoura” comes on and you instinctively start dancing, then mark yourself as an Arab.
8. If you smoke Double Apple flavored hookah… you might be an Arab
Double Apple flavored hookah doesn’t even taste like apples. It tastes like licorice. Ever since the beginning of time, double apple is the prototypical Arab flavor. If you’re at a hookah bar and you hear a heavy accent in someone’s voice, they’re probably smoking double apple.
9. If you go through a bottle of perfume/cologne each week… you might be an Arab
Smelling good is a top Arab priority. It is such a priority that no matter where you are, you make sure that everyone gets a whiff of that new scent you have on. They might think it’s too much, but you think it isn’t enough.
10. If “wallah” is the most prominent word in your vocabulary… you might be an Arab
“Wallah” is a very versatile word. You can use it like “wallah, she’s definitely into you,” or “wallah, I’m going to kill him.” The adaptability of this word definitely lends itself to overuse, and you definitely abuse it.
And there you go. Test yourself according to these guidelines. If you fit any one of them, you might be in our club.