Comedian | Professor | Writer
(& Smartest) Arab
In the past few days, Israel has cut off all contact with the United Nations Human Rights Council. This move came after the UNHRC voted to send a fact-finding mission to the West Bank and East Jerusalem to assess the effects of Israeli settlements on everyday Palestinian life. Israel has said it will prevent the UNHCR team from entering the country to conduct their work.
Girls, have you ever tried to look through your boyfriend’s cell phone? Well, the UN wants to look through Israel’s text messages, and Israel doesn’t like it. He’s freaking out. But it looks like 64 years of lying and cheating might be catching up to him.
Everything is crumbling around Israel. His secrets are being exposed, and his text messages are being revealed. In an amazing stroke of investigative journalism, I’ve gotten my hands on some of them, and they are revealing:
To Yasser Arafat (yes, Israel had text messaging way back in 1993): “hey buddy, thx for signing that oslo thing… listen, we’re going to keep building settlements if it’s ok with you… i’m sure no one will ever say anything… anyway, looking fwd to the nobel peace prize ceremony… can you believe we’re getting that! LMFAO!”
To Jordan’s King Abdullah: “looks like you’re my only buddy around here… i’m coming to amman this weekend to relax… let’s chill… hookah time!”
To Husni Mubarak: “hey, the offer is still open… anytime u wanna come to tel aviv to retire, just lemme know… ur still my favorite muslim president :)”
To Mahmud Ahmadinejad: “dude, we are so gonna bomb you!”
To Muammar Qaddafi: “i really wish you were still here. miss u… u were my favorite muslim president… :(”
To Bashar Al-Assad: “hey man, can you plz stop letting in observers and stuff? and i heard you just agreed to that un plan from kofi… OMG! i thought we had an agreement… you’re kinda making me look like an a-hole. :/”
To Barack Obama: “who’s my president? you my president! you’re voting no on the UN thing, right? duh, of course you are! i know you don’t like the sound of ‘one-term barack’… oh, and happy early ramadan! LOL! :P”
To Newt Gingrich: “i just texted obama ‘happy ramadan.’ epic… anyway, gotta go and ‘actually’ arrest some ‘invented’ people… xoxoxoxo.”
To Barack Obama (the next day): “hey barack, listen, sorry about the whole ‘happy ramadan’ thing… i drank so much last night… i was building settlements all day… anyway, for real, do u mind voting no on that human rights council stuff? it kinda looks like everyone is voting against us. thx for ur help… ur my favorite muslim president ;)”
To Benjamin Netanyahu (after the UNHCR vote): “you know what? F%^& THE UN… first the unesco thing, now this… hello?!?!? don’t they know we’re never giving back the west bank and east jerusalem!? keep building settlements… build, baby, build… btw, don’t show this msg to anyone.”
To Jon Stewart: “yo, i watch the daily show every day… ur kinda being a jerk.”
To Amer Zahr: “yo, i read the civil arab all the time… ur kinda being a jerk.”
To Steven Spielberg: “things are not looking very good… we need to make schindler’s list 2 ASAP!”
Indeed, things are not looking good for Israel, especially since Syria has agreed to a UN-based initiative and Iran has agreed to permit UN inspectors into its largest nuclear facility.
But I want to help, so I just sent Israel a text:
“hey habibi, how is my mom’s hummus recipe treating you? anyway, i see things aren’t going great for you… i think if we get on tv and hug, it might help… and you gotta stop stealing my land too… anyway, call me, i’m free anytime… well, i’m not really ‘free’ LOL.”