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Israel’s Text Messages Revealed!
Amer Zahr
by Amer Zahr
March 28th, 2012 (9 Comments)
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I’m not saying Israel has anything to hide, but this doesn’t look good.

In the past few days, Israel has cut off all contact with the United Nations Human Rights Council.  This move came after the UNHRC voted to send a fact-finding mission to the West Bank and East Jerusalem to assess the effects of Israeli settlements on everyday Palestinian life.  Israel has said it will prevent the UNHCR team from entering the country to conduct their work.

Girls, have you ever tried to look through your boyfriend’s cell phone?  Well, the UN wants to look through Israel’s text messages, and Israel doesn’t like it.  He’s freaking out.  But it looks like 64 years of lying and cheating might be catching up to him.

Everything is crumbling around Israel. His secrets are being exposed, and his text messages are being revealed.  In an amazing stroke of investigative journalism, I’ve gotten my hands on some of them, and they are revealing:

To Yasser Arafat (yes, Israel had text messaging way back in 1993): “hey buddy, thx for signing that oslo thing…  listen, we’re going to keep building settlements if it’s ok with you…  i’m sure no one will ever say anything… anyway, looking fwd to the nobel peace prize ceremony… can you believe we’re getting that! LMFAO!”

To Jordan’s King Abdullah: “looks like you’re my only buddy around here… i’m coming to amman this weekend to relax… let’s chill… hookah time!”

To Husni Mubarak: “hey, the offer is still open… anytime u wanna come to tel aviv to retire, just lemme know… ur still my favorite muslim president :)”

To Mahmud Ahmadinejad: “dude, we are so gonna bomb you!”

To Muammar Qaddafi: “i really wish you were still here. miss u… u were my favorite muslim president… :(”

To Bashar Al-Assad: “hey man, can you plz stop letting in observers and stuff?  and i heard you just agreed to that un plan from kofi… OMG! i thought we had an agreement… you’re kinda making me look like an a-hole. :/”

To Barack Obama: “who’s my president? you my president! you’re voting no on the UN thing, right?  duh, of course you are! i know you don’t like the sound of ‘one-term barack’… oh, and happy early ramadan! LOL! :P”

To Newt Gingrich: “i just texted obama ‘happy ramadan.’  epic… anyway, gotta go and ‘actually’ arrest some ‘invented’ people… xoxoxoxo.”

To Barack Obama (the next day): “hey barack, listen, sorry about the whole ‘happy ramadan’ thing… i drank so much last night… i was building settlements all day… anyway, for real, do u mind voting no on that human rights council stuff? it kinda looks like everyone is voting against us. thx for ur help… ur my favorite muslim president ;)”

To Benjamin Netanyahu (after the UNHCR vote): “you know what? F%^& THE UN… first the unesco thing, now this… hello?!?!? don’t they know we’re never giving back the west bank and east jerusalem!? keep building settlements… build, baby, build… btw, don’t show this msg to anyone.”

To Jon Stewart: “yo, i watch the daily show every day… ur kinda being a jerk.”

To Amer Zahr: “yo, i read the civil arab all the time… ur kinda being a jerk.”

To Steven Spielberg: “things are not looking very good… we need to make schindler’s list 2 ASAP!”

Indeed, things are not looking good for Israel, especially since Syria has agreed to a UN-based initiative and Iran has agreed to permit UN inspectors into its largest nuclear facility.

But I want to help, so I just sent Israel a text:

“hey habibi, how is my mom’s hummus recipe treating you? anyway, i see things aren’t going great for you… i think if we get on tv and hug, it might help… and you gotta stop stealing my land too… anyway, call me, i’m free anytime… well, i’m not really ‘free’ LOL.”

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* Amer Zahr is a Palestinian American comedian, writer, professor and speaker living in Dearborn, Michigan. He is also the editor of "The Civil Arab."

Comments (9)
  1. This is to the point n hilarious bro, best I have seen yet. Keep or Rollin’. Palestine will b free.

  2. Solovey Razboynik ... March 28th, 2012 - 19:12

    Ha, ha, ha, ha! I would love to see the text message sent to the Migron settlement! Love this.

  3. Zee Moughnia ... March 29th, 2012 - 05:36

    LOL! I love this, especially your text to israel! You’re amazing!

  4. LOL! So funny how Syria has murdered thousands of its own but Israel is so bad.

    • This is the weakest defense – when people critize Israel and the defense is “Iran, Syria, etc” the difference that these unabashed supporters of Israel don’t see is that those countries are not generally accepted by the international community. Iran and Syria both have sanctions – when Israel was bombing Gaza, invading Lebanon and in its constant oppression of Palestinians there is not one successful sanction against it.

      This is why the BDS movement – which Israel supporters condemn as racist – is just a way of speaking out against the oppression when the state actors are incapable and the UN resolutions are ignored (which was the case at the start of the South African Boycott). While in the case of Syria, Iran, North Korea, etc. the world powers speak out, in this case it has to be the average citizen like us. (i.e. BDS is non-state actor way of imposing sanctions – which is what had to be done in South Africa as many countries – including US, UK and Israel – opposed the boycott)…

      Make sense?

      Also, as a side note, just look at Israel’s honorable stance against the oppression of Black South Africans during apartheid:

      “One of the most hidden but critical of South Africa’s strategic relationships during the apartheid era was that with Israel, including both the Labor and the Likud governments. {Israel] also opposed broad international sanctions against Pretoria. South Africa and Israel had collaborated on military training, weapons development, and weapons production for years before broad sanctions were imposed in the late 1980s. Military cooperation continued despite the arms embargo and other trade restrictions imposed by the United States and much of Western Europe. Israel and several other countries discreetly traded with, and purchased enriched uranium from, South Africa throughout the 1980s. Romania’s former president Nicolae Ceausescu, for example, used Israel as the “middleman” for exports to South Africa. In a few cases, joint ventures between Israel and South Africa helped to reduce the impact of sanctions on South African businesses…. through the early 1990s, several secret treaties remained in force, continuing the military relationship between the two countries and their joint research in missile development and nuclear technology.”

  5. Tomorrow is Land Day in Palestine. The protests are supposed to be peaceful. Let’s just hope Israel keeps it that way. I loved your text to them. Israel is more Pally than it knows.

  6. @Paul – just because Syria has killed thousands does not make Israel good. killing and occupation and oppression is bad- its should be condemned. not supporting Syrian government but they could say the same thing about America, US military has killed some, don’t you think so? AND we are not talking about Syria here, I don’t see any support for Syria in this piece. if you want to compare the two it your choice, one has been going on for 70 years, the other for over a year now. none is good/justifiable, just saying.

  7. tonia mohammed ... April 16th, 2012 - 14:26

    LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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