Comedian | Professor | Writer
(& Smartest) Arab
I’ve been on some Arab dating sites (OK, all of them), and I’ve noticed while I’ve messaged many women, none have ever messaged me. Maybe it’s just because they’re shy, or maybe because they don’t want to seem desperate. But I wondered what it would be like to receive hundreds of emails from prospective mates, and to have the luxury of combing through them all. So this is my attempt at that.
I’m a catch. I know this is true because my mom says so. I also know it is true because some women have attempted to set me up with their friends, unless I’m being used as some sort of prank or twisted revenge on another woman. In the hopes that this is not true, I am writing this to try and explain how awesome I am. I am that trophy you ladies can put on your mantle.
Here’s a little bit about me. I’m 36, single, never married. I have a bachelor’s degree in History, a master’s degree in Middle East Studies, and a law degree. I work as a comedian though. Don’t ask me, “Why would you go to school for all that time and not use your degrees?” People pay me to make them laugh. It’s a pretty good life. It’s not always guaranteed, but it’s an adventure. And isn’t that why we’re all here? But you can tell your dad I’m a lawyer.
And sorry white girls, I’m only looking for an Arab woman. So if your name is Brittany, you can probably stop reading now.
While I have dated some non-Arab women in the past, I have come to the realization that I cannot be with a non-Arab woman. I just can’t spend the rest of my life explaining myself to anyone. We have a certain kind of psychosis that no one else could ever understand. I can’t waste time explaining why I yell at the news, or why I’m addicted to watching it all the time. Or why I fight over the bill. Or why we dance in circles, and why it’s OK to hold a guy’s hand. Or why I was glued to the Oscars this year. Or why I call people “cousin” who are not actually my real cousin. Or why I have hundreds of real cousins. Or why I eat dinner, then take a break, then eat dinner again.
So not only would I love to be with an Arab woman, I kind of have to be. But dating Arab women is difficult. It seems that many are afraid to put themselves out there for fear of what our community might think of them. And many others have some sort of idea of what their “prince charming” is supposed to look like, and what kind of job he should have, and what kind of car he should drive.
But some of the most successful relationships include women who say, “You know, when I first met him, I wasn’t attracted to him, and I never thought I would end up with him.” It’s OK ladies, I’m willing to be that guy.
Still some Arab women are afraid to go out on a date because they are worried of what “dating” means in the American sense. I have asked out many Arab women who have immediately told me, “You know I’m not going to sleep with you, right?” My only response to that is, “Ever? I understand if you mean you’re not going to sleep with me after the first date. But if you mean ‘never,’ then we might have a problem.”
Yes, white people, our traditions are strong. Our women are told not to have sex until they get married. And they take it seriously. In fact, some even don’t even have sex after they get married. That is true cultural dedication.
I am staunchly Palestinian. I would call off sick from work to go to a demonstration. I know the names of random Palestinian towns and cities, especially the ones that don’t exist anymore. I wake up every morning with a little hole in my heart, because something is missing. My grandmother’s stories ring in my ears. I point out Jews whenever they’re on TV. All of my pin numbers are either “1948” or “1967”. Whenever I travel to Palestine, right before the plane lands, I get butterflies in my stomach, like I’m about to see my first love… because I am.
The woman I’m looking for does not need to “be” Palestinian, but she does need to be “Palestinian.”
Of course, I, like any other man, like certain physical characteristics in a woman. I’m looking for a woman who has the
Now I will admit marriage does freak me out a little bit. But it’s not for lack of an example. My parents have been lovebirds for almost 40 years. They go everywhere with each other. He is her best friend, and she is his. I can see all the positive traits of a happy marriage. It’s just the “forever” thing. Is there really any sort of agreement you would enter into for a time period of “forever”? But my parents have shown me enough to prove that if you do find the right person, there’s nothing more beautiful.
And while we’re talking about my parents, as I have noted many times here, my dad is Christian and my mom is Muslim. Despite what you think, that makes me the perfect man for any kind of Arab woman. I have experience celebrating all the holidays. I know that whether it is Christmas or Eid, the appropriate gifts are cologne, socks, sweaters, and cash.
So, here I am. Many Arab women want the man of their dreams, but they’re afraid to give some of us a chance. Well, ladies, if you want the trophy, you have to run the race.