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We have recently learned that the New York Police Department has been monitoring Muslim students throughout the northeastern United States. They have been specifically concentrating on following the activities of members of Muslim Student Associations on a few campuses. These MSAs are suspiciously located on campuses throughout America, recruiting young Muslims into their ranks.
According to the Wall Street Journal, the NYPD monitored Muslim students at numerous universities, including Yale and Penn. The presence of Muslims at an Ivy League college is, of course, fishy. As everyone knows, one must be able to speak English in order to attend such a dignified institution.
The NYPD even sent an undercover agent on a student whitewater rafting trip in upstate New York. Muslims going whitewater rafting? Very shady. I mean, there’s no whitewater rafting in Saudi Arabia… there’s no whitewater in Saudi Arabia… there’s no water in Saudi Arabia! But then I remembered my uncles telling me stories about how they used to dream of coming to America when they were kids… just so they could go whitewater rafting.
On that rafting trip, the undercover officer reported that the students spent a lot of time “discussing Islam.” Creepy. He also noted that they “prayed at least four times a day.” Only four? Not only were these Muslims meeting in the wilderness, they weren’t even getting all their prayers in. Muslims are supposed to pray five times a day, not four! Maybe they weren’t praying as much because they were spending too much time rafting. And by “rafting,” I mean “scoping out the whitewater rivers to see how they can secretly transport a dirty bomb.”
The NYPD’s efforts, thankfully, reached far and wide. They were keeping tabs on students in New York, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania. I did some of my own investigative journalism and found that they were monitoring Muslims everywhere. I came across a particularly illuminating report about some Muslim students from Dearborn, Michigan.
We observed three Muslim Lebanese students for six months in 2011. Each morning, Ali, Mahmoud, and Mohammad each buy a cup of coffee. They purposely avoid the local Starbucks establishment. They then go to class (usually arriving ten to fifteen minutes late). They confidently raise their hands, even though they often have no idea how to answer the question at hand. After school, they meet at the same café at 4:00 pm everyday. They spend 2-3 hours talking loudly and waving their hands in explosion-type motions. The three suspects smoke an unknown substance from a single stemmed metal instrument through a furry house. Occasionally, they suspiciously eject the smoke from their mouths in order to form perfect circles.
Every Wednesday, the three men spend two hours meeting with many other Muslim men at Cool Blue Salon. This salon is specifically known for eyebrow waxing and hair removal. As the “attendees” are all men, we can only assume their presence at the salon is evidence of a terrorist cell meeting.
Perhaps most disturbingly, during the entire month of August 2011, the three men would awaken themselves at 4:30 am, eat an entire meal, go back to sleep, wake up again at 9:00 am, continue their day, and only eat again at 9:15 pm. Clearly, they were training their bodies to endure long periods without food in order to be prepared for any potential future mission.
As we can see, Muslims are doing all kinds of suspicious things. So for those good, vigilant Americans out there, make sure you report all dubious activity to your local authorities. Pick up the phone whenever you see a Muslim going whitewater rafting, or going to college, or watching a football game, or eating a Big Mac. And definitely speak up whenever you see a Muslim trying to get a driver’s license, or trying to vote, or trying to become president (well, it’s too late for that one).
I can completely understand what the NYPD is trying to do. After all, as their spokesperson noted, some of the people arrested or convicted on terrorism charges since Sept. 11 have been former members of a Muslim Student Association. I know… chilling.
In all seriousness, of course it was the NYPD, and not the Muslims here, who was acting in a frightening manner. In an apparent attempt look even sillier, the agency said that it was observing MSAs because they attract “young Muslim men, a demographic that terrorist groups frequently draw from.” Again, MSA stands for “Muslim Student Association.” It has the word “student” right in the middle of it. So, yes, they are attracting young Muslim men. But they are also attracting young Muslim women. And if the NYPD would have asked me, I would have happily told them that this is all done in order for the MSA to achieve its true goal: creating young Muslim couples.
* Amer Zahr is a Palestinian American comedian, writer, professor and speaker living in Dearborn, Michigan. He is also the editor of "The Civil Arab."